Letting Go

December 19, 2014

My darling Lyric,

Three hours and 43 minutes ago, I said good bye to you in my hotel room in Clarksville, getting ready to head back to Arizona. I could have stayed with you longer tonight, stayed with you until you went to bed even, but I had to leave. My heart is too full of the love, concern and grief I have for you. The love of seeing you being an amazing, smart, funny, rambunctious, imaginative five year old, who somehow knows that fingernails are made from the same thing as hair, and can speak perfect German, and play Minecraft, yet the concern that you struggle to write or recognize your letters and numbers. The grief of knowing I can’t be with you every day. The grief of having to fly away, with you staying here, your own young life being torn between the love for your “real” mom, and your mommy and daddy unit. I saw today how hard it is for you to reconcile your love for both sides of your family. You too, struggle with too much love. You feel everything BIG, just like I do, and your Ahbee does. Just like we witnessed sweet Gunny feel too much in the airport yesterday with his own split family. It was a lot for everyone to feel.

There comes a time when all of that emotion is just too much for my heart to contain, and so I have to cut it off, like a tourniquet that stops blood from flowing. I have to make a clean get away, to preserve my heart from breaking into a million tiny pieces. This is how it has always been with me when it comes to you. I have said it a million times. I love you as my own. I would without hesitation take you from here and with me, and love you as I loved your Auntie Bee, and your Daddy. But you are not mine to take. So I breathe deep and put on a smile, hug you tight, kiss your face, memorize your smell, the weight of you in my arms, and I let go. I wave good bye and blow kisses your way as you enter the elevator of my hotel. Then I shut my door. And I get busy. I pack and clean and read and talk on the phone. But finally, the tears come, and then they flow as words on this page. I clean out my heart by putting it all down here. One day my sweet love, you will know how much you were loved. I hope you know it now. I hope it keeps you safe and happy and growing. I will pray for you and love you and think of you and send you good, strong vibes that will keep you safe. We’ll see each other again soon. I am forever connected to you, regardless of the time or distance between us.

You are a blessing to this world, my sweet Lyric. Merry Christmas.